She wants me to meet her parents. Can I hide at your place?
I’m ridiculous. You’re ridiculous. We’re all ridiculous together!
Somewhere in your house, you will find a mirror.
Experiment #1: Get naked (at home, please!). Stand in front of your mirror. Don’t turn away. Evaluate yourself for fifteen minutes. Try not to laugh.
If you fail, you may assume that you are sane.
If the physical aspects of your body don’t seem ridiculous to you, you may not have noticed:
- You are not perfectly symmetrical. At the very least, the left cheek of your bum is a slightly different size than the right. And likely, it didn’t used to droop so much.
- You eat and breathe through the same hole, making choking a fairly frequent interruption to the regularly scheduled program for all of us.
- Your body’s unmentionables are mentioned all the time. They are a primary focus of human history, evolution, singles bars, girl-talk, boy-talk, etc. The extra hair is merely decorative.
- Etc….and then some!
The Wider World
Experiment #2: If you are lucky enough to have a mirror that is mobile, carry it outside your door (Dress first, please!). Hold it up to the world. What do you see in your mirror? Anything ridiculous on the horizon?
Due to the nearly insane inflation of college tuitions, student loans do not buy nearly as much beer and quality toke as they used to.
- People stuck in rush hour traffic who think leaning on their horn makes for a speedier and more pleasant journey.
- Same driver—owns more bumper stickers than books.
- Conservatives wholeheartedly support free speech until someone tries to use it.
- Liberals wholeheartedly support free speech as long as someone reins in those pesky conservatives.
- Religion and science are at odds, and proponents of either are NEVER wrong.
- Your driver’s license photo—$35 to be airbrushed by Satan!
- Mismatch of the sexes! Women on average take twenty minutes to achieve orgasm. Men—putting it politely—get off in a photo finish with popping the top on a beer can.
- Women want to talk about “our relationship.” Men would rather eat glass shards.
- The school bus is arriving with your children, who are ALWAYS the smartest and most beautiful ever produced.
- WARNING: Rant Ahead! Your neighbor’s dog craps on everybody’s lawn but his own… Your parents know what’s wrong with your life—and tell you… Your in-laws taught you how to force a smile… Your boss moonlights as the stunt double for a horse’s ass… Your job is remarkably similar to Guantanamo’s waterboarding facilities… “Supportive” community organizations fundraise by selling candy, cookies and cakes that your bathroom scale doesn’t want you to eat… Most politicians couldn’t pass a polygraph even if the test was multiple choice… Our court system strives to convince people that the statue of the blind bitch on the courthouse steps is a positive metaphor and not a frank opinion on daily performance… Our country is never wrong in a red state, and never quite right in a blue state… The United Nations is ignored more often than the speed limit… Our beautiful planet, Earth, our only lifeboat in a hostile universe—if we can’t sink it, no one can… NASA builds Mars probes no one will ever see again in a pristine, germ-free clean room. You prepare your lunch on a counter you washed last July… Add yet another huge ETC!
Ridiculous is humanity’s normal operating procedure. Humorists are not writing jokes, they’re reporting the facts.
Writers who can’t find anything funny to write do not suffer from writer’s block, but poor eyesight.
Parting Funny: I went to a La-Z-Boy furniture store. Not one of those jerks got off their fat ass and helped me. – Augie Cook
Next Up: Is Criticism Cruel?