Human Sacrifice Adds Up

Jay Cole image

Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.


Without doubt, the benefits of science to society are ridiculously obvious. However, the benefits of some of science’s discoveries are, despite wonderfully correct math, open to a few questions. For example:

Thanks to math, we can calculate the benefits of human sacrifice
Complex society may depend on occasionally murdering innocent people.

Human sacrifice, in other words, is a useful tool for elites who want to maintain their power in a stratified society.

While this brief, but informative online article outlines an entirely valid scientific study, it cannot possibly list all of the numerous benefits of human sacrifice. Still, there is some faint hope that we will not turn our back on any practice that truly benefits society as a whole. Therefore, I suggest that we compile a list of proposed human sacrifices, beginning with:

-The Koch Brothers
-Justin Bieber
-The toddler on Flight 497 who kicked the back of my seat for five and one-half hours.
-Reality TV executives (Although, executing the brain dead may not be constitutional.)
-Anyone wearing an article of Duck Dynasty clothing.
-Plumbers who charge brain surgery rates to fix a toilet.
-[CAUTION: Long one ahead => ] Banking and financial institution executives who were paid a bonus while using taxpayer bailout money (TARP funds, etc.) to cover the fraud, waste and abuse that both screwed the world economy and served as the credo of their Corporate Operations Manual.
-Protestors with signs that prove they failed their GED exam.
-The inventors of Tofurkey and the lentil sandwich.
-Etc. etc. etc.

Please feel free to add to the list. One never knows if or when it might come in handy, and it’s up to us to make human sacrifice beneficial once again.

Next, I may comment on the scientists investigating ritual suicide as an alternative to watching C-SPAN.

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3 thoughts on “Human Sacrifice Adds Up

  1. Jay, this reminds me of Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Mikado, in which the Grand High Executioner rattles off (in song) a list of annoying people he intends to execute. It is musical theatre tradition for each production to update the list to include currently annoying people (though many types, like lawyers, always seem to make the list.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I nominate the men (and it’s always men) who make suburbia hell: they purchase (and then can’t refrain from using) jet-engine powered leaf-blowers. NOTE: they should be sacrificed, for the good of peace in Suburbia, instantly after purchasing, because of the parenthetical.

    Liked by 1 person

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