A Few Lesser Known Election Issues

Jay Cole image

Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.

The candidates for the 2016 Presidential Election are working hard to get their messages out to the voters. However, like all politicians, they try to focus on issues that have an immediate emotional impact. ‘Make ’em laugh;’ ‘Make ’em cry;’ and ‘Scare the crap out of ’em’ are, of course, the most popular themes. However, running for president also requires a talent for innuendo. What’s an exhilarating presidential campaign without a little implied joie de scandel sexuelle, or catching your opponent embroiled in la joie du crime.

Either may be loosely translated as: “Gotcha!”


No matter what the tabloids say, with Trump age 69, Hillary 68, and Sanders 74, none can claim that they are pregnant with Kanye West’s love child. Ergo, they must focus on less titillating issues such as unemployment, healthcare and finding good Chinese on the campaign trail.

Even so, there are many issues that are not getting a fair share of media attention, and the voters have the right to be fully informed. In order to help, I have asked the candidates to state their Campaign 2016 positions on:

Paying Your Nanny Under the Table
Donald: No need. I just have them deported.
Hillary: No need. For some strange reason, Bill always pays them more than enough to keep them quiet.
Bernie: No need. Have you seen the price of a Nintendo? Once the minimum wage goes to $15 and hour, the kids will be lining up to babysit themselves.

Funding the SPCA
Donald: Don’t worry, I have the best of the best foreign policy. SPCA, isn’t that a rebel group in some banana republic. Nicaragua, I think. I was fully briefed. The capitol city is Guatemala, and they’re fighting like dogs down there. We should stay out of it.
Hillary: It’s covered. I simply leak to the Koch brothers that stray dogs and cats are hard-right Republicans. The SPCA will have its own PAC by nightfall.
Bernie: With my plan, they’re fully funded with a nominal tax on bunny slippers.

Controlling the Zika Virus
Donald: I’m going to build a HUGE mosquito net on the border. Don’t worry, I’ll make Brazil pay for it.
Hillary: It’s foolish not to follow the recommendations of the World Health Organization. Once their plan is implemented, it’s usually only a matter days before Doctors Without Borders comes in to rescue the situation.
Bernie: Education is the answer. Education and single-payer mosquito repellent.

Will You Visit the Holocaust Museum?
Donald: Of course not. I want to talk to the Jews who weren’t captured and killed.
Hillary: I’ve already emailed them for tickets. Even with the FBI opening my mail, they should arrive by June.
Bernie: That’s a difficult situation. Culturally, I’m inclined to visit, but as a presidential candidate determined to be inclusive, I’d have to visit everyone else’s museum, which is impossible. Let’s just say the KKK and I have issues.

Cover image: "Sexual Evolution"

Going to Mars
Donald: America will lead the way into space. Once I make the country great again, I’m going to build the biggest rocket you’ve ever seen. It’ll be HUGE! Putin and I might go together.
Hillary: For every dollar spent on NASA programs, that research has generated up to twelve dollars in the private sector. Going to Mars should be equally productive—so, money well spent. Plus, I’ll authorize
Double-Coupon Tuesdays.
Bernie: Absolutely! If we find life on Mars, it will be the most fantastic discovery in the history of mankind. Right up there with Viagra and Play-Doh.

International Fishing Rights
Donald: We caught ’em. We’re keeping ’em.
Hillary: Agreement is certainly possible. Sustainability is the key. Don’t you also want your grandchildren to pay through the nose for sushi?
Bernie: Did I mention that I tie my own flies?

What’s Your Favorite Candy Bar?
Donald: Payday
Hillary: Sugar Daddy
Bernie: Salted Nut Roll

Unfortunately, we’re out of time. Tune in again next week when we ask the candidates, “If you get elected, which Founding Father is most likely to spin like a top in their grave?”

Parting Funny: According to officials, fraud and mismanagement at Afghanistan’s largest bank has resulted in 900 million dollars in losses. A Pentagon official commented, “Amateurs!”
Mark Miller
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2 thoughts on “A Few Lesser Known Election Issues

  1. Good post. My bet is Hillary doesn’t want to be reminded about the nanny! As for Mars China are about to stake a claim. They sent a spacecraft thing there recently. It’s not that much further away than some of their ‘disputed islands’. We don’t hear much about Bernie Sanders over here in the UK. I like some of the stuff he says, but then I hear Americans living here saying he’s a communist who wants to bring back breadlines.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I understand the “communist” label. Many Americans equate socialism with communism. It’s a common misconception, as is the belief that Americans have the highest standard of living–not true. The US generally ranks about 8th (depending on methodology) behind several countries that are considerably more socialist.


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