Either may be loosely translated as: “Gotcha!”
No matter what the tabloids say, with Trump age 69, Hillary 68, and Sanders 74, none can claim that they are pregnant with Kanye West’s love child. Ergo, they must focus on less titillating issues such as unemployment, healthcare and finding good Chinese on the campaign trail.
Even so, there are many issues that are not getting a fair share of media attention, and the voters have the right to be fully informed. In order to help, I have asked the candidates to state their Campaign 2016 positions on:
Paying Your Nanny Under the Table
Donald: No need. I just have them deported.
Hillary: No need. For some strange reason, Bill always pays them more than enough to keep them quiet.
Bernie: No need. Have you seen the price of a Nintendo? Once the minimum wage goes to $15 and hour, the kids will be lining up to babysit themselves.
Funding the SPCA
Donald: Don’t worry, I have the best of the best foreign policy. SPCA, isn’t that a rebel group in some banana republic. Nicaragua, I think. I was fully briefed. The capitol city is Guatemala, and they’re fighting like dogs down there. We should stay out of it.
Hillary: It’s covered. I simply leak to the Koch brothers that stray dogs and cats are hard-right Republicans. The SPCA will have its own PAC by nightfall.
Bernie: With my plan, they’re fully funded with a nominal tax on bunny slippers.
Controlling the Zika Virus
Donald: I’m going to build a HUGE mosquito net on the border. Don’t worry, I’ll make Brazil pay for it.
Hillary: It’s foolish not to follow the recommendations of the World Health Organization. Once their plan is implemented, it’s usually only a matter days before Doctors Without Borders comes in to rescue the situation.
Bernie: Education is the answer. Education and single-payer mosquito repellent.
Will You Visit the Holocaust Museum?
Donald: Of course not. I want to talk to the Jews who weren’t captured and killed.
Hillary: I’ve already emailed them for tickets. Even with the FBI opening my mail, they should arrive by June.
Bernie: That’s a difficult situation. Culturally, I’m inclined to visit, but as a presidential candidate determined to be inclusive, I’d have to visit everyone else’s museum, which is impossible. Let’s just say the KKK and I have issues.
Going to Mars
Donald: America will lead the way into space. Once I make the country great again, I’m going to build the biggest rocket you’ve ever seen. It’ll be HUGE! Putin and I might go together.
Hillary: For every dollar spent on NASA programs, that research has generated up to twelve dollars in the private sector. Going to Mars should be equally productive—so, money well spent. Plus, I’ll authorize
Bernie: Absolutely! If we find life on Mars, it will be the most fantastic discovery in the history of mankind. Right up there with Viagra and Play-Doh.
International Fishing Rights
Donald: We caught ’em. We’re keeping ’em.
Hillary: Agreement is certainly possible. Sustainability is the key. Don’t you also want your grandchildren to pay through the nose for sushi?
Bernie: Did I mention that I tie my own flies?
What’s Your Favorite Candy Bar?
Hillary: Sugar Daddy
Bernie: Salted Nut Roll
Unfortunately, we’re out of time. Tune in again next week when we ask the candidates, “If you get elected, which Founding Father is most likely to spin like a top in their grave?”
– Mark Miller