The First Gentleman

Jay Cole image

Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.

Since Hillary has now secured enough primary votes and delegates to win the Democratic nomination, and Trump continues to show voters that he’s about as inclusive as a teenage girl’s clique, we must now focus on the very likely probability that the United States is about to elect its first female president. While rational people grant that Hillary is well-qualified for the Oval Office, there are still numerous questions about Bill Clinton’s qualifications to occupy the East Wing Office of the First Lady

Since the United States has no history to rely on in this particular area, I can only offer a modest approximation of a few possibly-upcoming events should Bill assume this unelected office.

First Day’s Schedule
0800 Full day training seminar on how to talk to female voters about women’s issues without becoming one.

Decorating The First Gentleman’s Office
“I’m sorry, sir. The nanny cam and the bust of your wife with the eyes that follow you about the room can’t be removed. Madam President’s order, sir.”

White House Decor
“We just can’t match The Lincoln Bedroom’s current furnishings, sir. Apparently, there’s no such thing as a vintage stripper pole.”

The White House China Pattern
Excerpt from Good Housekeeping Magazine:
“The red, white and blue pattern, crafted in the finest Delftware, is surprisingly robust, exhibiting all the subtle overtones of a fraternity toga party.”

Choosing a Cause
The First Gentleman has taken up the plight of today’s over-burdened politicians who face unreasonable standards when running for political office. It’s been named,
Support Politicians Who Inhale.

Hosting Visiting Dignitaries Wives
French President: Not in this lifetime.
British Prime Minister: Double her staff of bodyguards.
Mexican President: Build a wall around her.
Various Others: Shoot if necessary.

Hosting White House Tea
“Ladies, you have a choice of Earl Grey hot with milk or lemon, or from my native Arkansas, a locally produced drink called ‘Shine.’

Managing the White House Staff
“Whose deal is it?”

Cover image: "Sexual Evolution"Honors Received
The Mile End Deli in New York City has honored the First Gentleman by offering an All-American beef hot dog with chili, cheese, onions, extra peppers and a courtesy breath mint. The staff named it The Bill Clinton, but most patrons simply order, “One Horn Dog, please.”

Acting As White House Hostess at State Dinners – Worst Case Scenario
Excerpt from an exclusive Washington Post interview: Hage Gottfried Geingob, the President of Namibia, gives his impressions of the first state dinner held by the new administration.

Post: Is it true that after this state visit to Washington that you are looking more favorably on increasing the participation of American oil companies in offshore exploration and production, and perhaps increasing American participation in copper mining as well?
President Geingob: Absolutely.
Post: What changed your mind?
President Geingob: I met with your First Gentleman just after noon. Bill took me to a Redskins game, and while I didn’t really understand the game, it was most exciting, and I have to say it was thoroughly enjoyable. We had a private box, of course, the Secret Service insisted, and the food was fantastic. The First Gentleman had it catered by a very talented chef called Hooters.
Post: Understandable.
President Geingob: Later, I took a short nap, then I attended the formal dinner at the White House at 8 PM. There, I met with your new president and many of your country’s dignitaries. Again, the food was excellent, but I didn’t care for the dessert, fruit and parfait, so Bill immediately arranged an alternative for me under the table. I think it was called a ‘Lewinsky’. Most satisfying.
Post: Surely, you don’t mean…
President Geingob: Best state visit ever! USA Number One!

Obviously, this election may be breaking new ground in both the West and East Wing of the White House. Not to mention that Hillary may be the first president in US history to issue an executive order to geld her spouse.

Parting Funny: Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.Bob Thaves
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