Defend Your Right To Wackadoodle

Jay Cole image

Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.



I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but we recently dodged a bullet!

New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman has given up his plans to prosecute Exxon and other fossil fuel companies for the supposed “crime” of climate change denial. One motivation for withdrawing his case: Both sides of any contentious political debate have their fair share of liars and all-around wackadoodles exercising their right to free speech.

Granted, the New York AG’s case did have some basis in law; there are investors to protect from fraudulent information. However, most investors are only interested in a good return on investment. What’s a few ridiculously heinous lies in the prospectus compared to regular quarterly dividends and possible windfall profits? And here, Exxon looks pretty good, especially since green companies producing solar panels so rarely strike oil.


A MUCH, MUCH more important issue is at stake:

We’re Americans!

Ergo, “wackadoodle” should NEVER be a criminal offense!

As American citizens, we are entitled to all the rights and freedoms that our ancestors fought to create, not the least of which is our constitutional right to believe any sort of inane crap that we choose!

Wear your fallacious, unproven, unsupported and wholly inaccurate beliefs proudly America, and fight—fight the barbarous minions of reason and critical thinking before they find another AG willing to criminalize our ignorance, our cherished delusions, and maybe, the occasional bit of gross malfeasance.

Naturally, living in a land of abundance, Americans have many choices for a cherished delusion. Consider these few modest examples:

Climate Change Denial
Yes, I know it’s a cheap shot to start off with a nouveau-classic (?), but this one has real legs. Look at the facts: Polar bears like to swim anyway, and whenever I call my Canadian friends in January, they always bitch about frozen pizza and frostbitten deliverymen. Explain that climatologists!

The Flat Earth Resurgence
Feel free to ignore billions of dollars spent on science education and pictures taken by NASA and other space agencies around the world. There are still brave souls who are determined to resurrect The Flat Earth Society. This is not, as scientists claim, mere contrivance. Every picture that we see of our lovely planet is on—you guessed it—something flat.

EXAMPLE: The pages of a book and our TV screens are both flat.

How could there possibly be more compelling evidence?

Very carefully constructed maps confirm that both a spherical Earth and a flat Earth are bipolar, but quite often, the Flat Earthers themselves excel in this regard.

Alien Abduction
A belief in alien abduction is a bit more problematic than most fringe beliefs since there’s never any hard evidence. However, mention that after the average alien scientifically examines and performs sexual naughties on an abductee, they always return them to Bucolic, Mississippi (or wherever) out of sheer disappointment in our species. Totally believable!

Also, when you consider the normal behavior of the average human male, flying halfway across the galaxy to cop a feel seems quite reasonable.

Another tough one with little evidence. Generally, there are more hair samples on a bar of shower soap.

Still, it’s defensible. Adobe Photoshop can easily make that prom photo that you hate into a real collector’s item.

Stick with the cultural argument. If astrology was good enough for the ancient Greeks and Romans, there’s no compelling reason that your sign can’t be a fruitcake.

Fake Moon Landings
The moon landings were not only filmed on a Hollywood sound stage, there’s now documented proof that it was a bootleg production. A simple records check will show that not a single one of the over 400,000 scientists, engineers, technicians and astronauts who worked on the Apollo moon landings has paid union dues to the Screen Actors Guild.

Note also, the fake moon capsules now on display in the Smithsonian and other museums supposedly landed in the ocean, but—try it for yourself when the security guards aren’t looking—none of them taste the least bit salty. Hah!

Psychics, Palm Reading and Numerology
Stick with a statistical argument. Statistically, all of the above are just as accurate as the reading of entrails.

There are many more delusions available. No one need go without. So, it’s vitally important that we stand up and fight, America!

Conspiracy theories, the paranormal, pseudoscience and general all-around ignorance—they’re as American as mom’s apple pie.

So, fight! Don’t let any government flunky criminalize our lies and delusions. Fight for your right to wackadoodle, or, sadly, we may indeed see a day when the citizens of a free country no longer have the right to swallow bullshit.

Parting Funny: Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again.Susan Healy
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