Ye Olde Christmas Newsletter 2016

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Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.


Dear Friends and Relations,

The Yule Log is alight, and it’s time again to catch up on the McMurder clan’s accomplishments this past year.

You’ll be happy to know that, despite this season’s Artic chill, we made the trek down to the pound and adopted a lovely Yorkshire Terrier. The puppy is very well behaved. We each put a suggestion in a hat and my husband, grumpy Old Laz, won the blind drawing to select a name, and I can tell you that everyone already loves ‘Yappy Little Shit.’ (Yap, for short.)

Unfortunately, our eldest, Joey, will not be home for Christmas due to a minor disagreement with his employer. (Work issues never end, I suppose.) While I’ll miss him during the festivities, I take comfort in knowing that the FBI is very experienced at protecting mob informants, and our homeowners insurance covered the bullet damage to the front room.

Clementine, now twenty, will be joining us this holiday! We’re so very proud that she’s continuing her university education while still working full time. She’s a film major, and despite her very demanding schedule, she still finds time to write home and ask for money. Her first film (Haven’t seen it yet.) was just released, but Clementine says she won some sort of prestigious award for Boobalicious Bunnies #4.

Little Evelyn, our youngest, appears to be slowing her pursuit of all things Goth. She still wears that horribly dark eye makeup, but it’s been at least three days since she’s had something pierced. She has a boyfriend now! I think Vicious is a nice young man, but Old Laz eyes him suspiciously whenever he’s around Evie. I guess that’s a father’s natural instinct, but it’s driven a wedge between Evie and her dad—one argument after another. Frankly, I’m tired of reminding her not to throw my good china at her father’s head. There’s no reason a young person can’t express themselves with everyday crockery.

Speaking of Old Lazarus, he’s gardening again, and he won the county fair’s Blue Ribbon for his ginormous and genuinely delicious tomatoes. Wouldn’t you know, he flashes that damn ribbon in everyone’s face, and while I try to be supportive, it’s caused more than a few disagreements between us. I say his tomatoes grew so large and tasty because our backyard gets lots of sun, but Old Laz insists it was the stray cat fertilizer.

Quick update on my in-laws: Still dead.

My parents are much the same. Even with his new medication, dad’s dementia hasn’t improved. Still, his doctor insists that I report even minor changes, but the only thing I’ve noticed is that he no longer asks what happened to his Social Security check.

Mom is spry as ever. Her nymphomania has taken a Latin turn this year. I caught her at the Hilton in flagrante with the male membership of the Mexican American Caucus and an overly flamboyant Mariachi band. What a shocker! I was truly horrified at her liberal stance on immigration reform.

Ancient and feeble Uncle Mortimer is still disgustingly wealthy and a childless bachelor, thank God. I love my elderly uncle dearly, but, damnation, he’s a lot of work! We had an absolute panic when his day nurse arrived one morning driving a new Lexus, and our hidden microphone in his bedroom recorded several references to “very special sponge baths.” Hussy! I swear, professionalism in healthcare is dead. Naturally, it was left to me to protect dear Uncle Morty’s weak heart and the family’s inheritance. I fired the brazen gold-digger immediately, and Uncle Morty finally told me which temp agency was supplying these jezebels, so, as promised, I turned his oxygen back on.

I almost forgot myself! I’ve given up decorating the house ala Martha Stewart—so tiring! However, I did join The Kickapoo County Ladies Auxiliary on an impromptu pilgrimage to Martha’s grave. Boy! Were they angry when they found out the fastidious bitch isn’t dead! However, I remain optimistic since more and more overworked, over-stressed suburban housewives are packing and self-medicating. We’ll try again next year.

Well, that’s about all that’s new. As usual, please skip this year’s Christmas gifts and send cash.

Special Note to Harriot Milken-Heifer: I see from your Miami vacation pics that you found the ten pounds I lost. How nice!

Merry, Merry!!

Delightfully yours,

Wanda B. McMurder

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Move and You’re Dead!

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Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.


Ah, moving day—that joyous equivalent of hell on Earth.

I actually enjoy apartment living. It’s nice to have a crew of illegal immigrants mow the lawn regularly, not to mention the amenities such as a treadmill that you can look at daily and know you never have to use. However, greed has invaded the apartment market. The landlord always wants more money, which he blames on the county tax board, the utility companies and market prices. The latter being what he can get away with in concert with all of the other greedy landlords
in the area.

Okay, I’m whining, but I’m also trying to conserve some of my income for me.

Then, a windfall came my way. I was offered a lovely, two-bedroom house that had been sitting vacant for over a year. Granted, it was an older house that needed a little work, but it offered more room and was significantly less expensive than paying for my landlord to send his kids to Harvard.

Packing My Stuff
When you really need one, cardboard boxes become more valuable to people than their children.

I briefly considered shelling out three to four dollars per box for new, single-use cardboard that I was going to recycle in a matter of days. While I don’t march on Earth Day, somehow such obvious waste nettled my conscience and promised karmic retribution. So, I collected free, used boxes from local businesses, and thanked the business owners profusely for their generosity. Unfortunately for the planet, I was unable to locate used tape.

Filling the boxes goes faster if you don’t bother to clean anything…Nah! At the very least, I dusted everything that went into a box, and avoided Styrofoam peanuts by cushioning fragile items with extra cardboard, old t-shirts and towels that I needed to pack anyway. Let me tell you, my environment-friendly karma was looking good! However, as I probed deeper into the dark, hidden recesses of my closets and drawers, I discovered a most unsettling fact of life. Frankly, I don’t have a problem storing things that I only use once a year or so—punch bowls, lockjaw pliers, first-date cologne, etc. However, moving day also uncovered items I couldn’t imagine using—ever. What was I thinking when I bought a doggie backscratcher and a battery-powered melon baller? Idiot!

The Move
The actual move is simple if you stick to basics:

  1. Load truck.
  2. Take ibuprofen.
  3. Drive to destination.
  4. Unload truck.
  5. Take more ibuprofen.

This Old House
Hardwood floors! Room for all my stuff! A shed in the backyard!

I was seriously impressed with my excellent decision until the hot water in my morning shower turned into the runoff from an Artic glacier. (That old joke about cold temperatures and the size of male genitalia is no joke.) I also learned that sudden shocks will make you rip down your shower curtain while escaping.

Two days! I had hot water for only two freakin’ days before…

I’m sorry, but your electric is not up to code for me to install a new hot water heater. You need to call an electrician first, so for this service call, I’ll only charge you one arm, two legs and maybe a kidney.

Fortunately, the electrician was able to diagnose the problem with the hot water heater as a fault in the wiring and not the heater itself. However, the age of the wiring and many, many years of jury-rigged circuitry made this old house a fire trap and, plainly, a bit dangerous for daily living.

Remind me, how did the previous owner die?

While the electricians upgraded my wiring and breaker panel, I busied myself with painting the house, interior and exterior. Admittedly, the electricians were fast and professional, and I was unbelievably grateful to have new, safe, ground-faulted wiring in the house when the toilet overflowed and I discovered that standing in raw sewage is a memorable experience for all the wrong reasons.

I now learned three things that everyone should know:

  1. Using a plunger is a dirty business.
  2. People who buy liquid drain cleaner always use the store’s restroom.
  3. Plumbers who work weekends require you to pay for their new Mercedes.

I’m fairly certain that he drives the same model as my old landlord.

Parting Funny: I have French doors in the bedroom. They don’t open unless I lick them.
Judy Gold
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Bad Equality For Women?

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Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.


A recent article in the magazine, The Atlantic has reported a surprising and somewhat disturbing trend.

A century ago, men were three times as likely as women to have a drinking problem. Among people born in the 1990s, the odds are essentially the same for men and women.

You just gotta love scientists with an inordinate interest in our bad habits.

Frankly, I have no objection to any adult having a drink. America’s flirtation with Prohibition was, at best, an abysmal failure. You can’t stop people from drinking alcohol when anyone with half a brain and a willingness to kill brain cells can whip up a batch of gin in their bathtub.

That’s not the right kind of full-bodied flavor, Ethel. You forgot to clean the tub.

If an individual wants to turn their liver into a charcoal briquette, while that’s not in any way commendable, it is somewhat traditional in the US and many other civilized nations. In most Western countries, having a cocktail or seven is a freedom protected by law in order to maintain an acceptable national birthrate.


The equality between the sexes of alcohol abuse may or may not become a problem of national proportions in America, however the article reporting on this trend has obviously overlooked another very murky aspect of this issue with even greater significance: Such studies show that women are now competing with men in the area of stupidity.

Facing facts, equal rights between the sexes is wholly an excellent idea, but the exercise of one’s rights is not unlimited, nor should it be. Yes, any adult, male or female, is entitled to
act a fool if they’ve a mind. However, a female’s desire to compete with men should also have reasonable self-enforced limitations.

Sweetheart, what do you use for jock itch?

On the other hand, as adults living in a free country, women are entitled to compete fairly and equally with men in all aspects of our society. Who are we to say that their decision is foolish, not recommended, or banned? Along with alcohol abuse, consider a few other male habits that our females might adopt in the name of equality.

Shouldn’t women be entitled to give themselves repeated concussions and bone-breaking injuries on the gridiron? I say, yes. Causing oneself grievous bodily harm and early onset dementia in the pursuit of fame and fortune should not necessarily be a male-only, or even a male-dominated pursuit.

(And succumbing for a moment to my testosterone, I for one am thankful that the
female uniforms …er…uh…require more sunscreen.)

By nature, men have more upper body strength, but this does not preclude women from working their muscles to the bone and competing. It’s a completely unfair, sexist myth that building muscle will make a woman less feminine or less attractive. There are a lot of men who genuinely appreciate a woman who can lift their car into a tight parking space.

Note also, with an approximately equal number of men and women receiving PhDs in chemistry, women should easily have equal access to undetectable steroids.

Book Cover image


Women with guns have traditionally been pinups at the local redneck garage, however if Hollywood can embrace women as both white and black hats, there’s no reason real life women can’t play the hero or the villain. Granted, we now have many brave women working diligently in law enforcement, but where are the criminals—the truly despicable, sociopathic women running heinously bloody drug cartels, or shooting innocent pedestrians from a clock tower? Statistically, women are way, way, WAY behind as serial murderers, and women will never achieve equality in murderous psychosis unless a lot more sadistic bitches step up.

These recent alcohol studies simply highlight a long hidden problem. If modern women wish to compete with men in foolishness, lunacy, and just plain stupidity, there is no logical justification for our society to exclude them from fair competition. In fact, to emulate the male’s truly reprehensible behavior, and embrace his well-documented, self-destructive habits, alcohol abuse probably helps.

So, ladies, can I buy you a drink?

Parting Funny: I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.Tracy Smith
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The Weenies Are Winning America

Author’s Note: I’m back. Naturally, there is an entirely rational explanation for my long absence, and fortunately, I have the maturity to keep it to myself. Let’s start off with a rant that I recently shared with Goodreads’ The Humour Club:

Jay Cole image

Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.


A recent Washington Post article entitled, People are so stressed by this election that the American Psychological Association has coping tips, brings to light a disturbing trend in America’s social consciousness: We are losing our toughness.

It’s unfortunate, but true.

How can anyone rational be stressed by a presidential election just because the candidates are unquestionably defective? Let’s face reality, the candidates are always defective! (Some significantly more defective and groping than others.) I’m not stressed by this at all. In fact, I am fully cognizant of the fact that just to enter into the political arena a person must have a screw loose and be as ethically-challenged as a pickpocket after milk money in a daycare center.

On the other hand, if politicians aren’t carrying any baggage, they’ve never done a damn thing. No one in politics accomplishes anything without making enemies, making mistakes, and screwing taxpayers. That’s the job!

Granted, blatant criminal behavior is not in the job description, but then neither was Climate Change denial, and we should just thank our lucky stars that planet Earth does not wear a short skirt and a clingy top.

Understanding even a little about politics in general, how can anyone claim that America’s Standard Political Modus Operandi causes stress?

It’s because we are turning into a nation of weenies.

The American Psychological Association can find “weenie” in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). It’s listed under Miscellaneous Disorders between ‘Fear of a stubbed toe’ and ‘Skinned-knee phobias.’

Today, American college students want a “safe space” to avoid opinions that offend them. American women want equal rights and freedoms without having to emulate Mary McCauley in a hot combat zone. Men want girlfriends without having to grovel. I tell you the weenies are winning in America!

Now, I’m no Chuck Norris, but I don’t hide in a “safe space” when someone disagrees with me, or expresses an opinion that I believe deserves to be flushed forthwith. I can also claim that, in my younger days, I did serve in the military and I have walked through active combat zones. While I readily admit my knees were knocking, there was nothing wrong with my spine.

Perhaps, that’s the key. “Safe space” must be a euphamism for undiagnosed spine damage.


That’s probably covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Let me think…

Okay, since I don’t want to be prosecuted and end up in federal prison, it appears that I’m forced to relent. Ergo, let election stress abound. Let the entire population seek coping tips and hide ignobly in a safe space. Let the weenies win.

Anybody know the lyrics to O Canada.

Parting Funny: I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.Alex Baze

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The Ex-American Blues

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Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.


The 2016 Presidential Election is certainly turning out to be contentious, and many Americans are threatening to emigrate should Donald Trump become our President-elect.

Now, you may remember that in 2008 many members of the KKK and similar white-supremacist groups threatened to emigrate if Obama became president. Yet, Obama was elected by a margin of almost ten million votes and none of our hardcore racist organizations left the United States in spite of the tremendous number of people offering them free tickets and bon voyage parties.

Are the members of the Anti-Trump camp more credible with their current threats to emigrate?

Frankly, I don’t know, but it appears to be a minor problem. Conservative estimates claim that, if Trump wins, it’s unlikely that we will lose more than 50 to 60 million of our most well-educated and rational citizens. That being the case, we can certainly speculate on how America’s Trump-inspired downsizing might be accepted by the rest of the world.

Shannon International Airport, Western Ireland
“Passport please, sir.”
I cheerfully smiled as I handed the immigration officer my documents. “Here you go.”
“Ah, another American. Please, state the reason for your visit to Ireland?”
“Trump was elected.”
“That’s what they all say, lately. However, your tourist visa is only good for ninety days…”
“Ninety days! But, the next presidential election isn’t until 2020! I’ll need a four year extension.”
He returned my passport. “Possibly eight years.”
“There’s no need to get nasty!”

Excerpt from the American Refugee Report to UN General Assembly
(Presented by European Union Special Envoy Greta Goneto-Berlin)
“…American President-elect Donald Trump will take office in January 2017. I realize that this has already caused a massive American refugee crisis in Canada and Mexico, however the European Union needs to remind the UN General Assembly that we are also in desperate need of humanitarian assistance.

In recent years, Europe has been overwhelmed by a flood of immigrants from Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, Kosovo, Albania, Pakistan, Iran, Ukraine, and a massive weekend overflow of Japanese tourists from Disneyland Paris.

“Europe’s resources are now under tremendous strain. Without help from the world community, we cannot resettle the millions of Americans hoping to avoid the President-elect’s recently announced and currently pending, first executive order requiring American citizens to tattoo ‘Buy Trump Steaks’ on their foreheads.”

BREAKING NEWS from the Mexican Newspaper El Universal
President Enrique Pena Nieto today informed Mexico’s Congress of the Union that construction has begun on a wall to stop the tremendous flood of Gringos streaming south across our 1,989 mile border with the United States. The legislators strongly objected until
el presidente explained that the wall would be paid for, in full, by Donald Trump.

El presidente and the Secretary of Finance recently completed top secret negotiations purchasing all of President-elect Trump’s debt from Russia, China and every Wall Street firm that doesn’t want to see their Mexican, Central and South American investments nationalized before breakfast tomorrow morning.

“As we now own Mr. Trump,” said President Nieto, “He will pay for the wall, or we will foreclose on everything, up to and including his bottle of orange hair dye.”

NOTE: Despite the rapidly spreading rumor, it is untrue that a certain senator from Veracruz immediately called out in open session, “Dibs on Melania!”

Cover image: "Sexual Evolution"A Sample Employment Interview
   “I see from your most impressive resume that you have PhDs in both particle and theoretical physics, Dr. Outlier. And that you are have won two Nobel prizes! Remarkable!”
   “Yes, I was hoping to find a teaching or research position at the University of Panama.”
   “I’m so sorry to disappoint,” the clerk replied. “Unfortunately, doctor, all of those positions are currently filled with tenured professors. However, I don’t want you to get discouraged. Panama offers a wide range of employment opportunities, and as an American, your unique perspective can be most valuable.”
   “Thank you. I enjoy being productive.”
   “Excellent attitude. Now, since it’s unlikely that the international physics community will be relocating the Large Hadron Collider to Panama City, how do you feel about chicken farming? Do you have any bird allergies?”

There is reason to be hopeful. Many expat Americans live happy, productive lives in countries around the world. So, don’t be discouraged by a few barely noticeable difficulties. Instead, focus on your personal needs and desires, and don’t be afraid to ask yourself hard questions.
For example: Do you like Canadian beer?

Parting Funny: Vote early and vote often.Al Capone

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Trump vs. Baby, The True Story

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Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.


And now for something completely different.
– Monty Python’s Flying Circus

Everyone knows what happened.


Do they?

Here’s the true story of the Trump vs. baby controversy in their own words:

Two babies talking.

Tell me what happened.

Heavily pregnant woman.

Well, you know how it is, after feeling claustrophobic for so long, I just had to get out.

Inquisitive baby.

“Mom, can we go to the Trump rally?”

Two babies "talking."

Trump? Really?

Surprised baby.

I wanted to see if he really had orange hair.

Baby orangutan

He does. Look at this picture.

Interested baby.

Freaky! Continue.

Yawning baby.

To be honest, the rally was a little boring.

Baby in elephant costume.

They only let me in because I dressed Republican.

Crying baby.

And frankly, I wasn’t having a good time.

Black baby.

I couldn’t even get tickets!

Hispanic baby.

His security people built a wall to keep me out.

Baby wearing Muslim head scarf.

He wouldn’t even let me in the country.

Surprised baby, mouth agape.

Well, believe it or not, Trump kicked me out!

Shocked baby, hands on head.

Wow! What a bastard!

Stunned baby - indeterminate expression.

I was stunned.

Baby in bathtub.

I felt so dirty.

Crying baby 2.

I wanted to cry some more.

Baby gnawing her fingers.

There was so much stress.

Baby messily eating chocolate.

I almost went back to my chocolate bar addiction.

Baby wearing clown hat.

But then I thought, “I’m not the one acting like a clown.”

Mom and baby sticking out tongue.

I told my mom, “I’ll handle this.”

Baby pointing finger.

After all, it’s his problem!

Happy baby, eyes closed.

So, I closed my eyes and imagined my revenge.

Baby, stiff lip.

I was so determined…

Crawling baby.

I got moving immediately.

Stunned baby 2.

First, I told a friend, who couldn’t believe it either.

Two stunned babies.

Then, my friends told their friends.

Two babies, facing.

Everyone spread the word.

Babies, hand on shoulder.

They encouraged me to go to the press.

Three babies seated.

So, I talked to the youngest reporters I could find at the Times, the Post and the Tribune.

Babies, Asian dress.

I even went to the foreign press.

Baby, wide smile.

Front page, baby!

Happy babies, open mouths.

Wow! We’re so proud of you.

Happy baby and dad.

So was my dad when I told him.

Sleeping baby.

But, it was an exhausting day!

Baby wearing crown.

“Who’s the king now, Donald?”

Happy babies, heads together.

I love this story. Tell it again.

All photos CC0 Public Domain from Pixabay
Book Cover image


Parting Funny: When your first baby drops her pacifier, you sterilize it. When your second baby drops her pacifier, you tell the dog: ‘Fetch!.’ – Bruce Lansky
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Do You Choose Your News?

Jay Cole image

Humor is our most enjoyable form of truth.

An Informal Survey for News Consumers
Circle the most correct response.

A) Hillary’s a crook, Trump’s a malignant narcissist, and Obama screwed an entire caboodle of pooches.

B) Today’s journalists report only the facts.

C) I watch the news while making love.

NOTE 1: Don’t worry about answer ‘C’. The television news anchor is not really looking at you…much.

In actuality, this survey has no correct answer.

One of the major problems our modern society faces is news tailored to our likes and dislikes. (That’s thumbs up and thumbs down if you’re a millennial.) Today, every click of the mouse or the remote control brings us a steady diet of what we desire, not what we need to know.

Google, Yahoo, Facebook, and Fox “News” are using advanced metrics and algorithms to shamelessly pander to our desires, however, realistically, can these companies be faulted for seeking happy, ill-informed news consumers? After all, happy customers are the direct route to increasing quarterly profits, even if, every year, they lose a few ill-informed customers who mistake tsunami warning sirens for unusually loud bird calls.

Perhaps, we as consumers are at fault. We WANT entertaining news—stories and opinions that we find agreeable. Ergo, the market does indeed respond.

Consider, The Haagen-Dazs Example:

Desire: Ask any five year-old: “What would you like for dinner, roast beef and broccoli, or chocolate ice cream?”

Market Response: Every ice cream manufacturer produces chocolate, often in many varieties. Let’s assume that these companies are responding to your children’s desires.
(Wink! Wink!)

Our News Choices
If you want to start a very interesting conversation, ask someone where they get their news, and more importantly, why. For the last week, I tried asking complete strangers about their news source and I learned two things:

  1. Most people choose biased news sources.
  2. Some women will call the police on you in a heartbeat!

Today’s Bias and BS
Ideally, television, newspapers, and the internet should keep us informed, with one obvious caveat:

If you get your news from social media, at least consider upgrading to tabloids. You owe it to the aliens in Area 51.

Unfortunately, many of today’s news services are only marginally better. Journalism is no longer simply a fact-finding profession; it’s an acting job, or a public relations job, or a propagandist job. Not that acting, PR and ‘lying scum’ can’t be considered professions, but most media consumers already know where to find entertainment mixed with unrealistic claims. For example, we watch cooking shows which use exotic, unpronounceable ingredients and fine wines that cost more than mom’s hip replacement.

News—real news—is an entirely different animal.

Theoretically, what people should want is fact-based news that informs us on the issues of the day. Entirely separate from the facts, please provide relevant, diverse and astute analysis and opinions. More and more, this appears to be the unicorn of the 21st century.

NOTE 2: Even though it may appear so, mentioning “relevant, diverse and astute” as positive attributes was not a Trump slam.

Yet Another Cheap Off-the-Cuff Test
Ask ten random people: “Which actor or actress is your favorite, and why?” Then, ask them, “Who is the US Secretary of State, and what’s he done lately?”

The likely responses will be similar to:

  1. “I love Hollywood stars, and I know a lot about famous people who have no real impact on my life.”
  2. “I know absolutely nothing about the Cabinet Member who is daily representing me and the entire country in international affairs, including trade, war, peace, etc.”
  3. “Damn, hearing aid batteries!”

Okay, we’ll let number three off the hook.

Book Cover image


Reliable News – It’s A Scavenger Hunt
Don’t be overly distressed; most news consumers know that they’re being bamboozled by news anchors wearing expensively tailored suits and seventeen pounds of hair gel. Some broad-based polls claim that as few as 40% of consumers trust the news, while 74% view the news media as biased. In addition, only 4% trust news from social media. Lastly, a recent poll of far-right, evangelical, NRA card-carrying, white separatists who exclusively watch Fox “News” have 97% confidence in both the nightly news and the lottery ticket that they purchased with a fill-up and a six-pack at Bubba Mart.

Frankly, there is no consensus from polling (or other) organizations as to the quality of nightly news. This, of course, leaves the consumer in the awkward position of choosing for themselves. The most popular choices being:

  • Complacency – Happy to let other people and corporations choose for me.
  • Actively Searching – Willing to search for news and different perspectives from US and foreign sources.
  • Oblivious – I just like to watch the drug company commercials.

Today, finding reliable news takes work. So… Do you prefer beef and broccoli, or chocolate ice cream?

Parting Funny: My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.Emo Philips
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