History’s Missing Quotes

Everyone is free to copy or retransmit their favorites, however PLEASE copy the quote with the notation that it is fictitious. If you have a good “Missing Quote” that history has somehow overlooked, please submit it HERE.
 
Jump to the Newest Missing Quotes.
 
 
I want a flag that I can carry in my purse. It should be bright red with bold yellow lettering, and should say, “I need a pee.”
Helen Keller
Political activist
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
When I’m gone, name a ship after me. Bismarck is a lucky name.
Otto von Bismarck
Prussian Statesman
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Looks like today’s going to be a scorcher.
Senkichi Awaya
Mayor of Hiroshima
August 6, 1945
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Sorry, gotta run.
Ernest G. Rice
Inventor of Modern Pantyhose
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Honey, what was in the fruit salad?
Adam
Garden of Eden
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
SHARK! Just kidding. You’re doing great!
Barney Blythe
Swim coach for Captain Matthew Webb, the first man to swim the English Channel, 1875
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Anybody know how to get a Whopper meal stain off an appropriations bill?
Bill Clinton
42nd President of the United States
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
They’ve opened fire! Duck, you sons-a-bitches!
Francis Scott Key
Original first line of the Star Spangled Banner (later edited)
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Let me go first or mom’s staying at your house for the whole summer.
Orville Wright
Kittyhawk, NC
December 17, 1903
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Will somebody shut those damn dogs up!
Saint Bernard of Menthon
Founder of the Hospice of St. Bernard, 1050 AD
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I’m telling you, if we dig a big, deep hole and spread some arrowheads around on the bottom, we can claim we were here first.
Ugmar Eagletooth
Chief of the Clovis People
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
But squirrels are so cute. Put a cat in the box. I hate cats.
Annemarie Schrödinger
Wife of Erwin Schrödinger, Austrian Physicist
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I want to thank the 1976 Nobel Prize Committee for awarding the physics prize to Dr. Ting and myself, even though none of you have a clue what we actually did.
Burton Richter
American Physicist
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
He really said, “Et tu, you backstabbing son-of-a-bitch!” but I need a line that will get past the censors.
William Shakespeare
Discussing his play Julius Caesar with his editor
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Is the front office kidding me? I use more material than this to floss my teeth…Wait a minute!
Rudi Gernreich
Inventor of the thong bikini
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
How about, ‘I think therefore I deserve another glass of wine…’ No, not quite.
René Descartes
French Philosopher
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Which corporal did you say sold life insurance?
George Armstrong Custer
Little Big Horn, 1876
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Dick, did you call a plumber?
Pat Nixon
Wife of President Richard Nixon
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I’m telling you that editor was just vicious! Especially on my Seventy-Three Laws of Robotics.
Isaac Asimov
One of the “Big Three” Science Fiction Writers
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I considered including a circle of hell just for lawyers, but then I realized, even the devil has standards.
Dante
AKA Durante degli Alighieri
Italian Poet
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Pleased to meet you. And no, this room doesn’t have an echo.
Abdullah Abdullah
Afghan politician
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
My inspiration for Starry Night… One of the other asylum inmates stole my red paint.
Vincent Van Gogh
Post-Impressionist Painter
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
No, Little Black Book has a sexual connotation in the corrupted West. Think of something else.
Mao Zedong
Chairman of the Communist Party of China
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I’ve always liked realistic characters.
Stan Lee
President of Marvel Comics
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Do you have something shorter?
George W. Bush
Forty-third President of the United States
On having to read a picture book to a classroom of second graders.
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
No, a leader’s name should be something catchy to motivate the troops and strike fear in the hearts of our enemies. Try again.
Alexander the Pretty Good
To his speech writer, Lykos Olympos
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
There’s no mistake; I have 700 wives. Dear God, get me more wine!
King Solomon
When found hiding under his bed.
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Dear Adolph, It has come to my attention that you need a good spanking.
General Dwight D. Eisenhower
Supreme Commander Allied Forces
Private letters
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
No, I’ll print a Bible. Dead authors never sue.
Johannes Gutenberg
Inventor of Movable Type Printing Press
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Wow! Feel this bump on my head!
Louis Braille
Inventor of Braille for the Blind
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Would someone please stop those mosquitoes from mating?
Noah
Captain of the Ark
Submitted by: Lenita Sheridan
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Who the hell is Kilroy?
Neil Armstrong
First (?) Man on the Moon
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Part the sea? It’s been done. I’ll walk.
Jesus of Nazareth
At the Sea of Galilee
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
A penny saved is hidden from the wife.
Benjamin Franklin
Poor Richard’s Almanac, First Draft
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Where did I get the idea for reanimating a dead man? On my honeymoon. Percy was totally stewed by the time we arrived at the hotel and…
Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
English Novelist
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I can see Russia from my house.
Hans Lippershey
When filing his patent for the telescope, 1608.
Also attributed to others.
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Oh, Denis! That was better than winning the Falklands War!
Margaret Thatcher
Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of… Oh, hi there, Sarah. Looking saucy, today, my dear.
Thomas Jefferson
Declaration of Independence, First Reading
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Another elephant fell off a cliff! All right, I’ll handle it. ‘Men, do you want smoked barbecue or teriyaki for dinner?’
Hannibal Barca
Carthaginian General, 218 BCE
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
You’re crazy if you think I’m walking around with that name!
Homo erectus
1.7 Million Years Ago
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Wisdom should be its own reward. What do you want, a cookie?
Confucius
Chinese Philosopher
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Sixteen weeks of flight school down the tubes!
Harue Fukui
Kamikaze Pilot, 1944
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Pack only the most precious items. We’ll take the state documents, the portrait of George Washington, and all the individually-wrapped cakes and pies.
Dolly Madison
Preparing to abandon the Presidential Mansion [White House], 1814
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Dear Penthouse Forum,
The natives were as naked as when their mothers bore them, and so were the women…

Admiral Christopher Columbus
Private Letters, 1492
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
It’s a truly revolutionary new concept. We call it a ‘tourist trap.’
John the Contractor
Stonehenge Engineer, c. 3000 BCE
[Free estimates. No job too big. No job too small. Bluestone our specialty!]
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I named it after that soup.
Ach’ab of Ur
Scribe, Inventor of earliest known alphabet, c. 1850 BCE
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Just listen. It’s really funny: Two white guys walk into a sweat lodge…
Sacagawea
Guide for Lewis & Clark Expedition
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
You told me “Simulation. Just a test, Yuri!” Which one of you bastards hit the switch? I’m gonna kick your ass!
Yuri Gagarin
First Man in Space, on landing
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Dear Miss Alcott, While we loved Little Women and Little Men, the publisher and I are in agreement that this is probably not the right time to release Little Bastards.
Martin Oglethorpe Stradivari
Literary Agent
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
The environmental lobby is going to have a field day with this!
Quintus Magnus Lupicinus
Mayor of Pompeii, 79 CE
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Well, not particularly dangerous, but it is rather annoying that I haven’t been able to make love in the dark these past 32 years.
Marie Curie
Discoverer of radium and polonium
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Make something up. I don’t want his last words to be, “Wake me up when it’s time to applaud, dear.”
Mary Todd Lincoln
Ford’s Theatre
Washington, DC, 1864
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
My very precocious two-year-old son spent all morning saying, “Fall down go boom,” and then rolling on the floor laughing. I told him to stop making fun of my unfortunate lab assistant.
Ascanio Sobrero
Inventor of Nitroglycerine, 1847
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Rape and pillage! Rape and pillage! Haven’t you ever wanted to just stay home and play a nice game of Canasta?
Genghis Khan
To his senior staff
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
By God, I can take it with me!
Tutankhamun
Pharaoh of Egypt, 1323 BC
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
CAPCOM, Apollo 7, I have a special message for the millions of people watching us on television, tonight. [aside] Hit it boys.
   Well it’s one for the money, two for the show
   Three to get ready, now go cat go
   But don’t you, step on my blue suede shoes. . .

Commander Walter M. Schirra Jr. et al. (a cappella)
First Television Broadcast from Space
Apollo 7
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Whoa, mama! Gimme more of that!
Friedrich Sertürner
Inventor of Morphine, 1804
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I kept my wife and her sister apart for a fortnight, then let them meet in the basket. It was filled in no time.
Bartolomeu Lourenço de Gusmão
Inventor of the Hot Air Balloon, 1709
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Land with Hoes!
Domingo de Lequeitio
Lookout on Christopher Columbus’ Santa Maria as he spotted a native tribe in the New World.
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Put it away, Bill, I’m coming in.
Hillary Rodham Clinton
First Lady, Secretary of State, Presidential candidate
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Have you read this? I swear, that Galileo could piss-off the pope!
René Descartes
Philosopher and Natural Philosopher (scientist)
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Of course, it’s just a cigar! You think I’d set it on fire if it wasn’t?
Sigmund Freud
Austrian Neurologist, Psychoanalyst
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I won’t consider myself a success until I find a word that rhymes perfectly with my name.
Max Schneckenburger
German Poet
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Admiral, the thermostat’s at -128.6 degrees Fahrenheit. The penguins are asking to come inside, sir.
Captain Horace X. Horatio
Assistant to Admiral Richard E. Byrd, Jr.
USN Antarctic Meteorological Station, Advance Base
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
As a young man, I wasn’t particularly witty or good-looking, so a music career—the wild parties, a posse full of toadies, trashing nice hotels, and especially the groupies—it was all so very appealing.
Ludwig van Beethoven
Composer
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Tah! Another arrest warrant! My Lord is simply angry over discovering my little dalliance with his wife these past sixteen years.
Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet)
French Writer and Philosopher
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
The idea? Well, I was reading to my son, “This little piggy went to market” and…
George Orwell
English Novelist
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
It’s a living.
Black Bart (Charles Earl Bowles)
Stagecoach Robber, 1880
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I just know it. Prohibition will be the most popular legislation we’ve ever enacted! Let’s celebrate! Break out that scotch.
Andrew Volstead
Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Damn! My boat sank. …Hey!
Archimedes
Greek Mathematician
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Madame Butterbabe… Madame Butterbean… Madame Butterball… Madame Butter…
Giacomo Puccini
Composer
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Dammit! Who took my lettuce and tomato?
Francis Bacon
English Philosopher, Statesman and Author
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Dear God, that was good wine! What day is it?
Pope Gregory XIII
One month before introducing the Gregorian calendar, 1582
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
We’ve been at sea for 10 months, Your Majesty, so we are most interested in beer, whores, and establishing a regular spice trade between Portugal and India.
Vasco da Gama
Audience with the King of Calicut, 1498
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Nobody knows them famous people.
Yogi Berra
Major League Baseball Player, Manager and Coach
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Dude, take a frickin’ break already!
Paul Revere’s Horse
Outside Lexington, Massachusetts, 1775
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I’ve completed two songs for Your Majesty’s anniversary celebration. One I call ‘Rule Britannia’ and the other, more traditional, is called, ‘I Likes Me A Saucy Wench.’
James Thomson
Poet and Songwriter, 1700
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Our ignorance and your hard data is no reason to disagree with us.
Pope Paul III
Letter to Nicolaus Copernicus
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Damn those thingies in the water, full speed ahead!
Admiral David Glasgow Farragut
Command at the Battle of Mobile Bay, 1864 [Later edited.]
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I told you we should have built a wall on the Mexican border.
James “Jim” Bowie
Battle of the Alamo, 1836
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I’m so depressed! Every time I shag a Roman, he ends up dead. Bring me an asp.
Cleopatra
Pharaoh of Egypt, Last Royal Command
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 

Sure, he writes me nice little love poems, but will the bastard ever wash a dish!
Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
Speaking of her husband, Percy
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
A most gratifying invention, Your Majesty. I call it paper. See, I can fold it to make little birds.
Ts’ai Lun
Inventor of paper and Han Dynasty official
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Be realistic, Pope Julius, I can do the ceiling in flat or semi-gloss white for that price. Murals, artistic vision, glory to God…all that’s extra.
Michelangelo
Contractor’s quote for painting Sistine Chapel
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget that you fell off a chair.
Maya Angelou
After four beers
SUBMITTED BY: Brenda Kearns
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
Fool! Don’t waste one of His Majesty’s flags claiming that worthless swamp and desert.
Willem Janszoon
Dutch navigator, first documented European discovery of Australia, 1606.
(Captain James Cook claimed all 2.97 million sq. miles for the British, 1770.)
Fictitious quote from Find Your Funny!
 
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