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They are bite-size chunks of funny from our favorite humorists, wits and wags. That is, great lines from great writers! So, pull out your favorite humorous novel, romantic comedy, or other work kissed with a sharp tongue, and Submit a TidBIT.
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Probably the funniest eulogy in human history:
Oh, well — he wasn’t going to write the Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony anyway.
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
And, of course, one for the home team:
I remember reading a book entitled, “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” in high school. Then in college, I discovered one called, “I’m Okay, Just Help Me to My Car.”
Conversations with Larry Xenomorph
If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Original variation published in “The Sharpest Wit in Washington” – The Saturday Evening Post
In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
W. H. Auden
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit.
Looking for Alaska
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
[Mae West authored books and scripts\treatments for both theater and film.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.
What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.
The Lost Hero
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Our founding fathers were a randy bunch, who fathered numerous illegitimate children, owned slaves, distilled whiskey in their backyard, stole land from the Indians, and fomented armed rebellion against their king. How exactly do you consider limits on individual behavior their intent?
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I was sorry to hear my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I am not feeling very well myself.
I have opinions of my own—strong opinions—but I don’t always agree with them.
George W. Bush
Two blondes walked into a building. You’d have thought one would have seen it.
In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, the police didn’t have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book.
Marcus Tullius Cicero
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.
Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.
I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
I learnt a lot from my own father, your grandfather,” his dad had explained. “He’d often tell me to take everything with a pinch of salt. I loved him dearly but he made horrible tea.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
On his deathbed to a priest asking him to renounce Satan.
She was what we used to call a suicide blond — dyed by her own hand.
Whenever I am asked what kind of writing is the most lucrative, I have to say, a ransom note.
H. N. Swanson
What exactly is “viewer discretion”? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her.
W. C. Fields
Here’s one from the world’s most prolific writer:
Every time you think you have been screwed by publishers in every possible way, you meet one who has read the Kama Sutra.
The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with.
Unless a reviewer has the courage to give you unqualified praise, I say ignore the bastard.
How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission?
Oh, you hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show her ankles to to get that job?
The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein
Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.
Richard P. Feynman
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, six should be enough.’
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.
Parents, can’t please ’em, can’t put ’em up for adoption.
It’s so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
My last girlfriend had a memory so good she could remember things that never happened.
The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it.
We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
CEO/Chairman, Chrysler Corporation, 1979-1992
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
Chauncey Mitchell Depew
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Television is a medium. It is neither rare nor well done.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Definition of a College professor: someone who talks in other people’s sleep.
W. H. Auden
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
P. J. O’Rourke
If you wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
I date this girl for two years—and then the nagging starts: ‘I wanna know your name…’
In my day, you used to have to pray to run into an ex looking great, but now you just post a selfie in your underwear.
I have never met anyone who wanted to save the world without my financial support.
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby in a month.
Wernher von Braun
When is my phone going to learn that I never, ever meant to write ‘ducked up’?
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.
She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.
If you can’t annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing.
Possibly the best description of bad luck ever uttered:
We could fall into a bag of nipples and come out sucking our thumbs.
Ian Fraser “Lemmy” Kilmister
Founder of the rock band, Motorhead
It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business, but I was in the top one.
I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.
Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step—it is an old business procedure.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
Tell him I can only deal with one s*** at a time.
On being disturbed in his toilet by a call from the Lord Privy Seal.
From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
Second US president
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.
Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Your theory is crazy. But it’s not crazy enough to be true.
Don’t be so humble—you are not that great.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait.
A. Whitney Brown
He pointed to himself. “Male and eighteen. What’s your point?”
The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
Some people are like Slinkies—not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. Fields
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.
It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
That money talks, I’ll not deny,
I heard it once: it said, ‘Goodbye.’
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand.
I don’t mind what Congress does, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
E. Joseph Cossman
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.
Did you ever have the measles, and if so, how many?
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation….the other eight are unimportant.
When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
Why should I be worried about dying? It’s not going to happen in my lifetime!
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