TidBITS

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They are bite-size chunks of funny from our favorite humorists, wits and wags. That is, great lines from great writers! So, pull out your favorite humorous novel, romantic comedy, or other work kissed with a sharp tongue, and Submit a TidBIT.

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Probably the funniest eulogy in human history:
Oh, well — he wasn’t going to write the Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony anyway.
Kurt Vonnegut
Galápagos
 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
Eleanor Roosevelt
 

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
Oscar Wilde
 

And, of course, one for the home team:
I remember reading a book entitled, “I’m Okay, You’re Okay” in high school. Then in college, I discovered one called, “I’m Okay, Just Help Me to My Car.”
Jay Cole
Conversations with Larry Xenomorph
 

If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.
Dorothy Parker
 

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Peter De Vries
 

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Bob Monkhouse
 

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Original variation published in “The Sharpest Wit in Washington” – The Saturday Evening Post
 

In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams
 

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.
Dave Barry
 

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
Tina Fey
 

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Lewis Grizzard
 

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.
Woody Allen
 

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
W. H. Auden
 

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
 

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
 

I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit.
John Green
Looking for Alaska
 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Dennis Miller
 

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
 

All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain
 

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
[Mae West authored books and scripts\treatments for both theater and film.]
 

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
 

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
Robert A. Heinlein
 

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
 

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.
Richard Pryor
 

What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.
Rick Riordan
The Lost Hero
 

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Steve Martin
 

Our founding fathers were a randy bunch, who fathered numerous illegitimate children, owned slaves, distilled whiskey in their backyard, stole land from the Indians, and fomented armed rebellion against their king. How exactly do you consider limits on individual behavior their intent?
Jay Cole
Sexual Evolution
 

If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.
William Lyon Phelps
 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Noel Coward
 

I was sorry to hear my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I am not feeling very well myself.
Mark Twain
 

I have opinions of my own—strong opinions—but I don’t always agree with them.
George W. Bush
 

Two blondes walked into a building. You’d have thought one would have seen it.
Tommy Cooper
 

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone
 

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, the police didn’t have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
Conan O’Brien
 

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book.
Marcus Tullius Cicero
 

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
Christopher Hampton
 

As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.
Robert Brault
 

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.
Mark Twain
 

I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry
 

I learnt a lot from my own father, your grandfather,” his dad had explained. “He’d often tell me to take everything with a pinch of salt. I loved him dearly but he made horrible tea.
Ken Magee
Dark Tidings
 

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire
On his deathbed to a priest asking him to renounce Satan.
 

She was what we used to call a suicide blond — dyed by her own hand.
Saul Bellow
 

Whenever I am asked what kind of writing is the most lucrative, I have to say, a ransom note.
H. N. Swanson
 

What exactly is “viewer discretion”? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
George Carlin
 

It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her.
W. C. Fields
 

Here’s one from the world’s most prolific writer:
Every time you think you have been screwed by publishers in every possible way, you meet one who has read the Kama Sutra.
Anonymous
 

The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with.
Marty Feldman
 

Many thanks for your book. I shall waste no time in reading it.
Benjamin Franklin
 

Unless a reviewer has the courage to give you unqualified praise, I say ignore the bastard.
John Steinbeck
 

How come there’s only one Monopolies Commission?
Nigel Rees
 

In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.
Kathleen Norris
 

Oh, you hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
Drew Carey
 

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield
 

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.
Andy Borowitz
 

An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show her ankles to to get that job?
Tina Fey
 

The universe never did make sense; I suspect it was built on government contract.
Robert A. Heinlein
 

Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.
Richard P. Feynman
 

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Ogden Nash
 

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
Oscar Wilde
 

It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.
Billy Crystal
 

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, six should be enough.’
Les Dawson
 

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
Robert Graves
 

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
Flannery O’Conner
 

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Rick Cook
 

If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.
Errol Flynn
 

Parents, can’t please ’em, can’t put ’em up for adoption.
Robert Lampros
Afternoon
 

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman
 

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra
 

It’s so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.
Jim Gaffigan
 

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx
 

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Sam Levinson
 

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
Dick Cavett
 

My last girlfriend had a memory so good she could remember things that never happened.
Greg Tamblyn
 

The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.
Britney Spears
 

When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it.
Bernard Bailey
 

We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
Lee Iacocca
CEO/Chairman, Chrysler Corporation, 1979-1992
 

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
Chauncey Mitchell Depew
 

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Benjamin Franklin
 

Television is a medium. It is neither rare nor well done.
Bill Moyers
 

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno
 

Vodka is kind of a hobby.
Betty White
 

Definition of a College professor: someone who talks in other people’s sleep.
W. H. Auden
 

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
Nicole Hollander
 

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
P. J. O’Rourke
 

If you wonder where your child left his roller skates, try walking around the house in the dark.
Leopold Fechtner
 

Media, the plural of mediocrity.
Jimmy Breslin
 

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen
 

I date this girl for two years—and then the nagging starts: ‘I wanna know your name…’
Mike Binder
 

In my day, you used to have to pray to run into an ex looking great, but now you just post a selfie in your underwear.
Heather McDonald
 

I have never met anyone who wanted to save the world without my financial support.
Robert Brault
 

Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby in a month.
Wernher von Braun
 

When is my phone going to learn that I never, ever meant to write ‘ducked up’?
Olivia Wilde
 

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
 

An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.
Stephen Fry
 

She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.
Bette Midler
 

If you can’t annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing.
Kingsley Amis
 

Possibly the best description of bad luck ever uttered:
We could fall into a bag of nipples and come out sucking our thumbs.
Ian Fraser “Lemmy” Kilmister (attributed)
Founder of the rock band, Motorhead
 

It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
Shirley Maclaine
 

I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business, but I was in the top one.
Brian Clough
 

I have bursts of being a lady, but it doesn’t last long.
Shelley Winters
 

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.
Malcolm Forbes
 

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step—it is an old business procedure.
Fran Lebowitz
 

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
Sid Caesar
 

Tell him I can only deal with one s*** at a time.
Winston Churchill
On being disturbed in his toilet by a call from the Lord Privy Seal.
 

From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 15 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.
Raymond Chandler
 

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
Rita Rudner
 

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
John Adams
Second US president
 

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.
Groucho Marx
 

Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’
Michael McIntyre
 

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler
 

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Lewis Grizzard
 

There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first.
Adela Rogers St. John
 

Your theory is crazy. But it’s not crazy enough to be true.
Neils Bohr
 

Don’t be so humble—you are not that great.
Golda Meir
 

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
George Carlin
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
 

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
Mae West
 

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait.
A. Whitney Brown
 

“Perv.”
He pointed to himself. “Male and eighteen. What’s your point?”
Rachel Caine
Midnight Alley
 

So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?
Christina Aguilera
 

The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
Anatole France
 

Some people are like Slinkies—not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Drew Carey
 

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. Fields
 

He has a heart of gold—only harder.
Adolphe Menjou
 

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Margaret Mead
 

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down’.
Bob Newhart
 

It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.
Warren Thomas
 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx
 

That money talks, I’ll not deny,
I heard it once: it said, ‘Goodbye.’
Richard Armour
 

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover’s lane holding his own hand.
Fred Allen
 

I don’t mind what Congress does, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.
Victor Hugo
 

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Orson Welles
 

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
E. Joseph Cossman
 

Instant gratification takes too long.
Carrie Fisher
 

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Margaret Smith
 

Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.
Jenny Eclair
 

Did you ever have the measles, and if so, how many?
Artemus Ward
 

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation….the other eight are unimportant.
Henry Miller
 

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio. If all the stations are rock and roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.
Larry Lujack
 

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
Dave Barry
 

When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner
 

Why should I be worried about dying? It’s not going to happen in my lifetime!
Raymond Smullyan
 

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