TidBITS – 2

What are TidBITS?

They are bite-size chunks of funny from our favorite humorists, wits and wags. That is, great lines from great writers! So, pull out your favorite humorous novel, romantic comedy, or other work kissed with a sharp tongue, and Submit a TidBIT.

Link to Newest TidBITS
Go to: Page 1

For NASA, space is still a high priority.
Dan Quayle
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.
Irvin S. Cobb
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
Gore Vidal
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
P.J. O’Rourke
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
Dudley Moore
Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
Shelley Winters
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
Rod Serling
Serling was an award winning writer of teleplays and screenplays.
His ignorance is encyclopedic.
Abba Eban
There’s a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I’m not there yet.
Randy Pausch
Now I know what a statesman is; he’s a dead politician. We need more statesmen.
Bob Edwards
I’ve done a bit of Latin in my time . . . but I can control it.
Eddie Izzard
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years.
Lee Travino
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.
Ross MacDonald
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

David Letterman
There is just one thing I can promise you about the outer-space program: your tax dollar will go farther.
Wernher von Braun
I feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Spike Milligan
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don’t mind, but he has it in his back pocket.
Don Rickles
The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.
Oscar Wilde
There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.
John Mortimer
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President Can’t Swim.”
Lyndon B. Johnson
A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate.
Eric Idle
The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.
Rick Reilly
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
Norman Douglas
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
I remember when I first came to Washington. For the first six months you wonder how the hell you ever got here. For the next six months you wonder how the hell the rest of them ever got here.
Harry S. Truman
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.
Mickey Rooney
I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
Robert Orben
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we’ve been bombing over the years been complaining?
George Wallace
Watermelon—It’s a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face.
Enrico Caruso
If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!
Demetri Martin
My husband and I have never considered divorce … murder sometimes, but never divorce.
Dr. Joyce Brothers
Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the US tax code, you’d find at least one sex scene. (“Yes, yes, YES!” moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture…)
Dave Barry
In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought…I must put a roof on this lavatory.
Les Dawson
Babies have big heads and big eyes, and tiny little bodies with tiny little arms and legs. So did the aliens at Roswell! I rest my case.
William Shatner
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Barbara Johnson
He was lost in thought—hardly surprising, such unfamiliar territory.
Jay Cole

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
Chelsea Handler

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.
Lewis Grizzard

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.
Julia Child

It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another.
George H. W. Bush [AKA Bush Senior]

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
Adlai E. Stevenson

More on TidBITS – Page 1
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